How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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