I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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