I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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