How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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