And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
