Your dad touched me again.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
