but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
