You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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