I'm jealous of your bromance
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
