So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
