Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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