btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
