Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
