last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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