Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The uberlube is also flammable
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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