Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
