woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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