Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
