Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
