I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
