Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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