...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
