I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
