Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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