five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
