ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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