I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
