theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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