period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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