Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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