i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
