I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
