i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
