he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
