god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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