I can tuck mytits in my pants
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
