You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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