She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
