Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize