Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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