just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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