I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
