You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
