my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
