I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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