God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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