why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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