My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just gift wrapped bread.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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