drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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