I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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