Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
