i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize