I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
