You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
