The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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